Coming Out of the Christian Closet.
I feel sometimes like an underperforming Christian multi-level marketing agent who will one day stand before the great Sales Manager who will shake his head and say ‘I’m sorry, you haven’t met your Converted to Christianity Quota in your lifetime. You can go to hell.’
I know for a fact that my salvation is not tied in with what I can do, but what Christ has done on the cross, and yet it is my humanity to think that I would have to work to earn my place in heaven.
HA. Slow clap.
I think the one benefit of having people around me talking about marriage and babies (because their families want them to) is that I start thinking of my possible role as a parent. And I realise that the expectations I used put on my parent are impossible. And it was inevitable that I would be disappointed. To be fair, my expectations are a combination of what people say parents should do and what my parents say they do. Which I accepted wholeheartedly.
Similarly, being brought up a christian meant that I’ve heard all the miracles and what God is supposed to be like. But I’ve never experienced it. So it’s either God is not as good as he is supposed to be or I’m not good enough. But since God is almighty, the very concept of him means the latter. I’ve come to realise in recent years that God treats people differently and blesses me in consistent ways just as he blesses other people in other ways. But more than that, now I (kind of) know that my expectations on God are impossible. Not that it’s impossible for him but it’s ridiculous for me to even have them. Yes I’m weak and I have nothing else to turn to, but tbf during dire situations he does get me out of shit through the convenience I’ve come to love.
I wonder if disappointments, anxiety and insecurity are part of the christian family kid or that I was the only one who took in the expectations and ideals in this mildly destructive way.
I’m actually shocked at how clear the HD is in korea. Like do I really need to see all the (covered) pores and pimples? I can’t even see it in real life. It’s really different watching korean dramas now.
Went to the wet market and decided to cook on a fly. I took a total of 7.5h to find the place, explore the place, buy the stuff, take the cab, prepare the food, and cook the food.
All the way laughing at how I’m deciding as I go. I’m so dead tired from what I put myself through, but I had a friend who also decided as we went along. I’d probably not do it if she weren’t as crazy as me.